Many years back, on a dark winter’s night, I had just attended an event on a local college campus. I walked back to my sturdy silver Honda Civic and got settled into my car, just long enough for my interior light to go off.
I suddenly noticed two large men approaching my car from behind, one on each side. Before I knew it, they were both entering my car, with me sitting right in the driver’s seat.
Did I yell? No. Did I pull the door closed? No. Did I attempt to push them out? No.
Here’s what I did: I loudly, yet politely, exclaimed, “No thank you! No thank you!” over and over again. I did so in my highest-pitched voice, all while I felt frozen with fear. It was all I could muster.
Very quickly, the men realized they had made a mistake. They were intending to enter the car parked in front of mine – another sturdy silver Honda Civic. They were mortified, apologetic, and quickly rushed off to their car.
I was left to digest the fear, metabolizing what had just occurred while I sat in my cold, dark vehicle.
The most lasting impact was not the fear, however; it was the painful reality that in the face of danger, my impulse was to “mind my manners”. Where did I learn such a response? Where did I learn to be polite above being safe, to be cautious of hurting someone’s feelings above protecting myself from harm?
As luck would have it, there is a term for it: gendered politeness. (Thank you to whoever the womxn is who coined that phrase!) Anything outside of gendered politeness negatively impacts the socio-cultural hierarchy in place, especially patriarchy.
Join me in choosing safety over manners, authenticity over social niceties, and ultimately dismantling the patriarchy one impolite moment at a time.
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